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Authentic Living: Unveiling the Path to Genuine Fulfillment

Be honest here: do you tend to roll your eyes when you hear (yet another) message on the importance of being authentic? If the answer is “yes”, I can’t blame you - the term has been so used and abused that by now, it seems void of meaning. Hear me out, though: if you take the plunge and dive deep into this subject, your life will forever be changed for the better.



a hummingbird looking up to a flower

Photo credit: Chris Charles on Unsplash


THE ESSENCE OF AUTHENTICITY


Although philosophers, psychologists, new age icons, and recent influencers have written a great deal on authenticity and what it means, the short explanation is that an authentic life is one in which your internal world aligns with your external actions and attitudes.

An authentic person is one who understands herself, her values, her soul, and aligns her behavior, actions, and words to reflect this to the external world.


Authenticity in a World of Illusions


In a world filled with perfect pictures, dream lives, quick fixes, ready-made models, and ready-made goals, can we still lead authentic lives?

What does being authentic feel like, and why should you care?

Every day, we’re encouraged to “be our authentic selves”; you hear it at work, from your favorite influencer, whenever you scroll through social media or listen to the radio. Yet, one cannot help but notice that the more we hear about the need to “be our authentic selves”, the more opportunities we have for being anything but authentic: on top of our upbringing, with all the expectations and beliefs that might have been imprinted on us, we now live in a world of unprecedented access to other people's intimate lives, ideas, opinions, and personal stories. There is so much good we can draw from this: we can learn, we can gain new perspectives, we can even form friendships, find like-minded people, and exchange ideas - just to name a few.


The Temptation of Borrowed Lives


It’s also easier than ever to lose ourselves: with so many models and idols, with so much advice on how to live your life (right), we just need to pick one (or a few) and emulate them so that we, too, can have that life.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s hard work - even if this is something you are copying from others, you still need to put in the effort. Just ask any perfectionist: it’s hard work to keep everything shiny and polished. Hard work, yes, but at the same time, it’s comfortable, because with borrowed goals and recipes we don’t need to sit down and ask the difficult questions: What do I want? What is right for me? Who am I? What matters to me? What do I stand for?

Ready-made models play on our insecurities and our need for safety; on our lack of trust in ourselves; on our impatience, and on our fears that being ourselves is not really an endeavor that would be worthwhile.


The Price of Inauthenticity


The price we pay for this is our authenticity; yet, living authentic lives is the only gateway to human flourishing; to living whole, and fulfilling one’s potential. A particularly powerful, grim in its potential outcomes - still, highly motivating, and eye-opening Brené Brown quote comes to mind:


"If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief."
Brené Brown

This should be enough to jolt you into action; each time we are inauthentic, we betray ourselves; we signal to ourselves that we don’t really matter; that we are less than others; that our voice doesn’t have the right to be heard.

This happens when we stifle our voice; when we make ourselves invisible - or difficult to notice in any way; when we choose or persist in a lifestyle that is widely approved by others but doesn’t really feel fulfilling for ourselves.

From the outside, everything might seem great: you’re reasonably or well-liked by most people, since you don’t tend to get into controversial conversations, you don’t draw too much attention to yourself by being different or outrageous; most people around you agree that you’ve made a good life for yourself;

Yes, from the outside it may look like you’re checking off goal after goal; but your soul knows.


That highly-paid sales pro who’s always dreamt of being a writer but never did anything in that direction? Her soul knows.

That lovely woman who disagrees with the general opinion in her friend’s circle but doesn’t speak her mind, so that she won’t disturb the peace? Her soul knows.

That time you went for the red lipstick and the high heels but then completely changed your outfit so you wouldn’t stand out? Yes. Your soul knows.


NAVIGATING THE PATH TO AUTHENTICITY


Sometimes, we get so good at living other people’s lives, so good at being and saying what others expect us to, that starting to live our own is downright scary

What should we do then, so that we can live authentic lives? Do we just quit our jobs? Start arguments with people close to us? Stand out in some outrageous way? Well, no, but also yes.


Owning Your Authenticity


The first thing about authenticity is that we have total control over how we choose to display it, to live it, to whom, in what contexts. Total control, yes, but also total responsibility for practicing it. Yet everything starts with one step. As you practice more, as you understand yourself better, you will naturally let go of things, circumstances - even people; but that will still be in your decision to make.


A Message to Successful Women


I’m saying this especially for you, wonderful, smart, successful women. I know you have built a life that most people envy. I see how smart, successful, and hard-working you are. To get there, you had to play it tough. You had to put in the hours, the effort; you had to make sacrifices, compete in a masculine arena, ignore your body, push it near breaking point.

I also witness your increasing dissatisfaction with a life less than (or maybe just different) - less than what you feel you want and need for yourself, even when you can’t really describe what that different life would look like.

I see your objections and hesitations; I feel your fears; I’ve been there; I was you.


Moving Past Fears


What I discovered along the road was that I wasn’t alone; that my experience, with its undeniable specificities, is still that of many; have a look at the list below and see how many of the points you recognize yourself


You fear you’ll stop being great (or perfect)


Most high achievers are perfectionists. They got to be this good by putting in a lot of practice, by behaving in certain ways, by speaking or acting in certain manners; the idea of departing from the known ways of living and being is scary, not only because the road ahead is unpaved but also because they got good at being good. The new road means they may stumble or fail; it means that - even for a while - they may need to accept not knowing everything. Now, hear me out: I know that at a rational level, you understand that it’s better to live your own life imperfectly than somebody else’s life perfectly; I also know that taking the emotional leap can prove to be a daunting task. But the illusion of perfection remains just this: an illusion; we’re all imperfect in our own ways. That’s what makes us humans; that’s what makes us relatable; showing up as our authentic selves is what keeps us sane; it’s also what helps us forge real, honest relations.


A part of you thinks that “being authentic” is a nicer way of saying “being complacent”


So, does being authentic mean being exactly as you are, without attempting to improve yourself, rejecting change or growth? I’ll be the first to admit that I held this view, that somehow being authentic is just a pretty way of saying you don’t want to improve yourself or your life. What I understood later (not easily, I’m afraid) is this: It’s not that you won’t grow. It’s that now you’ll be able to grow in the directions that matter to you; in those ways that have meaning and value for you.


You equate the journey to authenticity with a loss of control


Many high-achieving women seeking a more authentic life sense that this path might require significant changes. As much as they recognize the potential benefits, they also fear what they might have to relinquish—perhaps some friends, their relationships, the way they are perceived by others, or even their jobs.

The truth is that nobody can make you let go of any of those things. The decision is yours, at all times. Sure, you will change your life in deep, meaningful ways; but it’s not something you’ll do against yourself, but rather for yourself. In a journey of a thousand miles, trying to control the outcome from the onset is fruitless; still, you can start with small actions and adjust your vision and your course step by step. I promise you, one day you’ll feel strong enough to take full leaps.


Deep down, you dread the idea of what you may find when turning inwards


The idea of meeting ourselves brings with it a more insidious one: that of facing ourselves; it entails facing our shadows; confronting our fears, our beliefs, our less attractive parts. For some, it’s a door they closed firmly years ago—perhaps on certain feelings or dreams. For others, it’s the belief that delving into themselves won't yield much value. Meanwhile, some dread the prospect of addressing profound questions about their identity and what holds significance and worth for them.Yet you can only be whole when you embrace your full self; you can only gain an appreciation for beauty when you understand your darker parts; living whole means going through the process of knowing yourself, learning to listen not only to your mind but also to your soul - so that you can then put in motion a plan, a vision for living in alignment (as living authentically and living in alignment are, in fact, the same concept stated differently).


You think that authenticity is an innate trait


You either have it, or you don’t, right? I bet you can think of a person like this, who’s always spoken her mind, behaved how she thought was right, just being unapologetically herself. If you’re among those who (wrongly) believed authenticity is something you’re just born with, don’t blame yourself too much for it - it’s actually a pretty widespread misconception. The truth - and the good news- is that authenticity is a skill, so it can be developed, just like any other skill. The work you’ll need to put in may be different; the tools and approaches may be different; this doesn’t change the fact that it is something you can practice and learn.

Right now you don’t have the time to “do this authenticity thing” So, you’re a successful woman, with a lot on your plate. Of course, you don’t have the time to sit around and reflect on this whole authenticity thing, right? Now listen; I’m telling this because I love you: stop making excuses. I know you’re smart; I know you’re capable and hard-working. None of these are really barriers; neither is time, to be sure of, since nobody is saying that you would need to put your whole life on pause, or that you need to wait to be in the perfect state of mind, with nothing on your to-do list, when you are fully rested and…see where I’m going with this? The conditions you’re waiting for are never going to happen (all at once) and you know it. So start where you are. Take one step. Then keep moving forward.


Who Owns Your Life?


Who is your master? Whoever has authority over anything that you’re anxious to gain or avoid.
Epictetus.

I’m not the one to say that a healthy dose of fear, in the right circumstance, is not helpful. It’s how you avoid life-threatening situations; it’s how you know not to take that dark alley late at night. Yet fear, in other forms, is also what’s keeping us back. Our brains were designed to keep us safe, not to push us to thrive. We have been wired to survive first. For those of you still feeling hesitant about living authentically, I’ll ask you to reflect on this:


What fears are holding you back from living an authentic life? Whoever owns any of those fears, whoever has the power to make them real, owns your life.


If you withhold your thoughts and inner self in a relationship because you fear losing that person, you are giving them power over your actions and thoughts.

If you don’t start that passion project out of fear you’ll be criticized, those critics have the power over you.

If you hesitate on being feminine at work because of your colleagues or the work context in general, they have power over your femininity.


Are you prepared and willing to relinquish ownership of your life? Are you actively and willingly transferring it to someone else?


This isn't an invitation to disrupt your life—to be rude, abrasive, or jaded. It’s an invitation to meet yourself, to understand yourself, so that you can be more of who you are, to use your skills, your values, and your gifts so that you can enrich your life and the lives of the ones around you.

Can you imagine a world where everybody does that?

Can you imagine a life of unwasted potential, of honest, real, soul connections?


HOW DO WE BEGIN?

ESSENTIAL STEPS FOR LIVING AN AUTHENTIC LIFE


If authenticity is the dream, how do you turn it into reality? How do you start? While I won’t give a full recipe here (I couldn’t) - as each woman's starting point is unique and must be tailored to her context, I can certainly give you some fundamental ingredients.


Learn to Listen to Your Body


I encourage you to start this journey by cultivating one of the most fundamental practices: listening to your body. You can adopt any practice that resonates with you, experiment with them, and see what fits: it might be a short body scan, a mindfulness meditation, or just sitting in silence and trying to name the sensations you feel arising in your body at that moment.

Over time, this will become second nature, and you won’t need a distinct routine for it. In the beginning, especially if you have been disconnected from your body and your needs for a long time, you may need to go through this process of relearning how to honor your body’s needs.


Deepen the Listening Practice: Tune into Your Soul


While the mind-body connection is an important one, what you will find once you start connecting to your body is that you can go easier (almost slip) to a deeper level: this is the soul level, that level you have probably aimed for, from the start. At this level, start paying attention to how you feel - feelings, emotions, what they were determined by, and why.

This level asks for non-judgmental awareness (the non-judgmental part may prove difficult to some) and will not come easy at all times, but I encourage you to practice as much as possible. Just like with the mind-body connection, with enough practice, you’ll be able to listen to this inner voice naturally, without the need for distinct practices.

Word of warning: don’t skip the mind-body connection part unless you are already attuned to this; think of the mind-body connection as the gateway to your soul.


Meet Yourself Through Observation


With your mind-body-soul connection practice in place, extend your focus to your thoughts, emotions, and body messages in the outside world, by observing how you feel after speaking or acting in different scenarios. Did it feel empowering? Did you sense censorship? Did your stomach churn when you agreed to that late evening at work, or maybe you felt relaxed and proud?

Your best hints about who you are, authentically, about your likes and dislikes will be in the feelings you get when acting, speaking, and behaving in different ways: the more you feel empowered, proud of yourself, the more it is a signal this is something you genuinely align with.


Reflect


Take some time (it doesn’t need to be a lot) to reflect on those signals you’ve started to identify - both in individual practice and during your interactions with others. Use them to create a map of your values, of what is meaningful to you, of what matters, of what your real needs, wants, and likes are.

I find that the best tool for this is journaling because writing helps me organize my thoughts, but you’ll need to test and see what works for yourself - from a conversation with somebody you trust to a walk that will help you connect with nature and put you into a reflective state, don’t be afraid to experiment and adopt the one(s) that suit your style.


Incorporate the Insights You've Gained from Previous Steps


The learnings you’ll get from all previous steps have intrinsic value, yet don’t stop here; armed with that self-knowledge, it’s now time to decide how to align your actions and behaviors with these insights; it’s time to start honoring your authentic self.

This may mean that you will speak your mind, regardless of how uncomfortable that makes others feel, or your fear that you may be judged; maybe you will turn down the invitation to work late so that you can dedicate that time to your passion project; or maybe it’s as easy as putting on that lipstick and a pair of high heels.

Whatever it is, taking some action in the direction of aligning your external reality with your inner world will bring you that profound sense of ownership over your life. You don’t need to start with the most challenging thing; start with a single step and allow progress to unfold naturally.


Gradual Immersion


Remember, there’s no competition here; you don’t need to go fast, you don’t need to go all in (unless you really want to). Give yourself grace and, whatever actions you decide on, know that it’s ok to practice in small steps, in contexts that feel safe to you; maybe you start practicing with a small group of friends (or strangers, if that feels better for you); or maybe you speak your mind once, for the day. Then pause and observe how that felt. Build on that. In time, you’ll notice how you don’t even consider being anything but authentic, regardless of the context.


Peeling off Layers


Authenticity is not something you “do” once, and then forget all about it; rather, it’s a continuous journey of self-discovery, asking you to meet yourself again and again. With practice, you’ll detach old voices, leave behind old beliefs and expectations. But not in one sit. I’m saying this because I know you. You expect to manage this just like the work project you had. The truth is, it will come in layers. You’ll be able to go deeper as you get more comfortable with opening up. For once, give yourself permission to not know all the details ahead.


Allow Yourself to Be Imperfect


Authenticity isn't the same with flawlessness. It's about being genuine, not infallible. So allow yourself to make mistakes, stumble, and learn.

Imperfection doesn't ruin authenticity; it humanizes it since being imperfect is an intrinsic part of our experience on this earth.


The Hidden Barometer


There's a not-so-secret gauge you can utilize on this journey: the sense of belonging.As you embrace your authentic interests and passions, you’ll naturally attract people who share your excitement and curiosity around the same topics. The sense of genuine connection that sparks from these shared interests leads to more profound and fulfilling relationships. It feels right, joyous, wholesome. Even when it pushes you, you can feel you're being pushed in the right direction, because you have similar interests or values. T

his is true belonging: not having to hide yourself so that you fit in but being embraced because of who you are.



 


AUTHENTICITY: BECOMING WHO YOU ARE


One of our most important missions here on earth is to become ourselves; to reach our potential. But we can’t reach our potential by being and doing only what others expect from us.

We need to learn to listen to ourselves, then honor that soul speak in our lives. When we stop betraying ourselves by acting or speaking against what we really feel, think, or need, we learn to trust ourselves; we learn to stand tall and move through life with ease and confidence; we become the queens of our own lives. It benefits ourselves, the ones close to us, and our communities alike.



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